I'm going to tell you something that may make me seem like a bad mother, but at the risk of that I'm going to tell you anyway because I suspect I'm not the only one out there that feels this way.

I wasn't all that sad when I first went back to work after having kids.  I didn't cry all the way from daycare to my office. I didn't race out of the office the absolute first moment I could. I didn't call to check on the baby 800 times.  I kind of liked it. I drove to work listening to NPR and drinking hot coffee for the first time in weeks. I sat in silence as I worked, had meaninful adult conversations with coworkers, and helped students to guide their future.  I probably even stopped at Target on the way home, too, for all I remember, just because I *could*.  I've always felt like I should feel guilty, or that I"m a terrrible mother that I didn't weep uncosolably when I went back to work, but the simple truth is I didn't. I love my children dearly and when I'm with them they know they are loved.  But I've always enjoyed being a working mom, balancing work and family
life.  

I have always actually enjoyed going to work.  Even after I had kids. With Matthew he was 10 weeks old and I had a hard time adjusting to being a mom, that loss of freedom was really tough on me that first summer. And I took him to the daycare at work so I could go see him when I wanted to. But I really didn't go see him all the time.  I went at lunchtime and sometimes between classes, but more because I felt I should rather than because I really felt an inner NEED to see my child.

After Ben was born I stayed home for 9 months. And those 9 months were hard. I had no idea how to be a SAHM. I was used to working, to filling a few hours in the evening and the weekends (with my husband to help). I had no idea how to be home all day, every day with two kids.   And two kids only 18 months apart to boot.  Going back to work that fall was like a breathe of fresh air.

Since then I've had every summer and winter break to look forward to, and by the time they're over I'm usually totally ready to back to work. Back to having more alone time, more Heather time, more adult time. I think part of my ability to love my job comes with the fact that my
first class is at 11:20 and my classes end by 3. That I get Fridays off
(usually) and a month at Christmas and four months in the summer. Maybe
if I had a more 'traditional' job that I didn't love as much it would
be much harder to come to work.

But this time is different. This time I'm really not looking forward to going back full time. I still love my job and adore teaching. But suddenly it's harder to drop them off at daycare.  Harder to drive home without feeling sad.  It's not the guilt this time, instead it's the pure joy of being with my kids.

Maybe it's just taken me four years to finally "get" being a mom.   I get it, I'm good at it and most importantly I love it. It's going to be hard to leave those little smiling faces come next week.  I better buy some tissues.

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